"Why is the echo richer than the source and time always remembered grief? People come and go and we hardly notice how they feel, what we feel. Then one day when you least expect remembrance slips like a blade into the heart: you fall down into a cold and sunken place with only your regrets for company, there gutted by sorrow and remorse and left to die"

- A Scientific Romance, by Ronald Wright

I read A Scientific Romance a few months back and there isn't a day i don't think about this quote or relate to it. The other day i was on facebook cleaning up my timeline and i came across an old conversation with an old friend. This conversation from 2009 didn't go so great, it was actually pretty hurtful looking back at it. I was so naive and clueless in seeing just how cruel and mean people can be, even your close friends. This friend legit treated me like shit, looking back now at the things she did to me and in which i allowed to happen makes me sick. Lets rewind to when i was in the 4th grade and was starting a new school where i first met this friend. Even our friendship of 5 years started terrible, for those first few months should have been a warning for me. As the new kid at school, she got some her friends and bullied me for quite some weeks. But for some reason i ignored these signs and those cruel jokes and somehow become really close friends. We spent countless hours with each just hanging out talking about what stupid little girls talk about. She lived right next door to me, you would always find us together. Our friendship definitely had its ups but there are one too many memories in which sting and stick out when she would walk all over me and i allowed it, thought it was normal. I had- have a hard time saying no to people and just accepting what they say just to avoid conflict. I'm an extremely passive person which is a great downfall for me.

There is one particular conversation we had the summer right before we started high school that i will never forget, that changed our whole friendship and essentially broke it. We were having a conversation via msn and it somehow ending up her telling me she was way too cool for me and that since we're starting high school soon we should just stop being friends. That we are from completely different worlds and see things differently. This coming from the best friend of 5 years who knew everything i allowed to share and vice versa? completely different worlds? I was beyond shocked, i actually thought it was a sick joke at one point and brushed it off but the moment i realized she was serious is when i saw the friendship crumble. Along with my feelings, i broke down and cried. But here's the funny part a few days later she apologized and informed she didn't mean any of the things she said. I told her i knew she didn't and that i didn't take it seriously but little did she know. We may have talked and all but nothing was resolved. Officially our friendship was over the moment she said she was too cool for me.

And here we are four years later, starting the end of our high school careers at different schools in different neighborhoods. We don'e see each others nor hang out. There were a few times over the course of the past  4 years in which i realized i actually missed her as a person. She was funny as hell and kind and stylish and everything you would look for a friend but fell short. Don't get me wrong, i didn't write this post to portray this friend as a bad person or even a shitty friend ok maybe a shitty friend. I wrote this post to vent out old and untold emotions. I hope she never reads this, i don't want her to know i cried when she put no effort into the friendship i treasured and adored for so long because i was naive.