I'm the type of person who will feel absolutely guilty and sad for simply being mad at a loved one who has either wronged me or another loved one. Oh, how do these emotions work?  I'm allowed to be angry and upset right but why is it always followed by sorrow? and regret? and nothing but emptiness.

Is it disappointment maybe? That those who I hold dear to me are wronging themselves and hurting me in the process. That their pain translates into my pain. That their misguidance is my pain. That their lack of empathy or concern for others affects me. That their actions and words both upset me and sadden me. Destroy me.

And I don't think it has anything to do with expectations. Expectations are over rated and I rarely ever expect anything from anyone but respect.

But yeah I'm really annoyed at this shitty personality trait of mine. I don't think its normal. And it burdens me a lot. Imagine getting into a fight with someone or have someone say shitty things and then later having conflicting thoughts with yourself because of what you said in defense (not to say you said equally as shitty things but the mere fact you know their upset now too).

One of those your sadness floats side by side with mine,
your pain is my pain
kinda things 
I feel like im always reminded somehow of the fact of I have no living grandparents. I mean it sucks yeah but then again I never really knew any of them. I had only met one of them.

I feel bad for my parents, my dad mostly. His parents passed away when he was really young. At age nine he lost his mom and at age fourteen he lost his dad. He was raised from then on by close family members but he hated it. He says he wasn't treated as fairly as he should have by them. That he was cheated by them many times. My dad picked up his smoking habit around the same time his dad died. He would always tell us that had his parents been alive back then he would never had picked up the bad habit.

idk where im going with this post but yeah i wish my grandparents were alive. Not necessarily for my sake but for my parents sake. My mom really misses her mom.  My grandma on my mother's side passed away 2 years ago in May. At the time I was volunteering at a italian nursing home when my mother called me to inform me ayeeyo wey deemantay.

It was a very bizarre and strange thing. To be surround by so many elderly people and having fun only to find out your last living grandparent had passed. I never really thought about death while there which is weird in a way because there were a lot of sick residents and a lot of them complained about pain which made me sad most of the time. I mean you could sense unpleasant aura lingering in the air but I really hadn't payed much attention to it. I was preoccupied with trying to communicate and comforting (playing really) the residents. Anyways, whenever I think about the nursing home, the second thing that comes to my mind after all the fun and rewarding moments I had experienced there, is that phone call with my mom and the death of my grandma. 

It's weird to think that the last post I wrote was back in November of last year. Being a blogger is difficult. I mean I never know what to write about and possess zero motivation whatsoever to find time or look for inspiration to write. I'm not even a writer to begin with.
I'd really like to know where this notion that in order to have fun at any social gathering, alcohol must be present. No alcohol, no fun?

There is absolutely no correlation between the two. It really ticks me off people actually think like this. Where is there fun in a beverage that alters your state of mind that more often times than not results in you saying/doing terrible things you'll probably regret the next day, makes you smell like shit, contorts your better judgment etc. And not to mention you end of feeling like crap the following morning.This generation is so messed up its ridiculous honestly, who came up with this?

I got super annoyed at one of my friends the other day and considering I'm a Muslim and her an atheist I am not surprised. The topic of discussion was alcohol. A bunch of friends and I were going to a get-together Friday night after our high school commencement as a reunion sort of since most of us haven't seen each other since summer.

One particular friend suggested to bring alcohol to which I replied can we please not guys. Everyone complied but this friend in question. She kept on asking questions like oh why do you care if we drink? or I'm confused why not? to which I responded explaining to her how I didn't want to be surrounded by the substance  nor did i want the company I keep to be partaking in such activities in my presences because I would feel highly uncomfortable. She goes on to say but you don't have to drink though.. At that point I was actually pretty ticked off, like what part of no alcohol did she not understand? like the other 6 girls did not mind my suggestion and respected my wish, as friends should. And dont get me wrong I'm not trying to seem like controlling person or anything. Had another person said they wanted a beer also, I would have simply let the girls know I wasnt going to be in attendance that night. Like I don't want to ruin other peoples ideas of fun and plus majority rule would have won against my favour and I would proudly walk away.

I'm honestly just trying to better practice my religion and its guidelines and she just didn't understand.
-

On another note, commencement was boring and we ended up leaving early to go to K's house and ordered Chinese food and just talked and hung out for a while and we enjoyed ourselves in each others company pretty much. I mean it is possible to have a good times without alcohol. Shocker.


I want to start taking hot yoga classes
How can I help? (Company) 

Words seem to escape me as you stand there weeping.
While I awkwardly take up your space,
Breathing your precious air.
Your shaking legs and tear washed face
Serve no justice to the memories I keep of you
Your sadness floats side by side with mine.
Accept my futile attempts
And forgive my ignorance.
Whats worse, losing motivation or having no inspiration? Easy. Losing motivation. Finding inspiration is easily achievable for there is inspiration everywhere. From the big oak tree in front of the bus stop I've waited at everyday for the past 5 years, that seems to never age. Or when I notice acts of kindness from strangers. Or the strength my mother possess. Or the never ending love I have for my religion. Inspiration is everywhere, anything can inspire you. Its motivation that's hard to catch and even harder to never let go of. Its what drives us to do the things we may or may not love passionately.

As I've started University this fall, things have just been weird. Weird in the sense I've realized even more just how confused as a person I really am and my lack of identity. This started as a theme earlier during my last year of high school but is now a huge part of my current everyday life and you could say its because I'm a teenager blah blah blah and that its normal to be feeling like this blah blah but my point is, it is happening and its very much burdensome. It's hard trying not to think about it consistently due to the fact my brain keeps nagging at me about the things I use to love, I no longer find the time to do or lack the motivation to do. And whats sadder than losing motivation to do the things you love.
"I don't believe in sins. I believe in humans rights." -A friend

At times like these I really wish I had more Muslim friends.  I've had the same one Muslim friend for 7 years now and a total of maybe 8 close friend, all of which are either devout Christians, some sort of branch of Christianity, or Atheist. At first I laughed at this, it was so absurd. Then I realized who had said it and was no longer laughing but instead fairly puzzled and disappointed because I understood the seriousness behind it, the truth. This Plato outlook is not what I want to surround myself with.
Whats the point of relationships? I mean the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, as in why date? Why date someone if you don't plan to have a lasting relationship with? I mean surely you aren't dating just for the sake of dating right?

Dating in this day and age is pointless, 9 out of 10 times it will lead you to a dead end road. Relationships take a lot of work and a lot of time needs to be invested so why waste all that? I mean if you're dating someone you have no intention of marrying, realistically you are just dating in till your expiry date with that person. You're dating till you find reasons why you shouldn't marry them or you're dating them for all the wrong reasons. I ask myself why do people do this to themselves, like are they lonely or confused or really desperate?

Recently my friend just broke up with her boyfriend because she realized she didn't love him the way he loved her, as in she just only liked his company whereas he told her she was the one he wanted to marry later on in life. That he couldn't picture himself with anyone else. Thankfully they were only dating for 5 months so not a lot of time was invested into this pointless relationship.  My point is dating has become this sort of frozen dessert in our lives for our souls, keeping in mind when we purchase these delicate foods the date in which they expire. The only difference there's no way in knowing the expiry date on your relationship, you'll just have to play to see how things work which most of the time turns out not to be so wonderful.

My other friends sister was living with her boyfriend of 7 years when 3 months they broke up and things are pretty bad for them. There's no hope they're getting back together. They were high school sweethearts. Again time, a lot of time; 7 years is a lot. To have wasted 7 precious years of you life with someone is downright painful. 7 years down the drain? 7 years of commitment in a relationship where neither party members had intentions of marriage in mind? Wow

Why would you do that to yourself? What was the point?

To date in till the expiry date is met is not a way of life, temporary happiness will never prevail over the happiness invested and is well repaid in marriage.
(Forgive me
For the things I
Should have said
But didn’t.

Forgive me
For the things I
Said
But didn’t mean.

Forgive me
For I somehow
Always
Fell
Short of the expectations you had of me)

 I love you and miss you dearly.
I've lost motivation
in just about
every
thing
When asked the simple question who are you? How might you reply?

One might reply by stating their name and quite possibly where they're from with no thought process involved. They might answer it the way you answer whats 1+1 or your date of birth. They might even hesitant depending on who is asking the question. Another will also reply by stating their name, the only difference is that they know everything in which is associated with that name. The definite personality, memories, talent entrenched with that name. The experiences/events and places that name has gone to/through. When they say their name, they say loud and with certainty and are well aware with the identity associated with it.

Which are you?
If you were to ask me if I was going to prom around this time last year, there would be no hesitation in my response. A very quick and easy yes would make its appearance but things have changed so drastically over the course of a few months; technically a year. It's safe to say senior year didn't really turn out anything close to what I expected, lets just say there have been more shitty days than ok days lately but I'm keeping my head up. Or trying too at least. Anyways prom is in a few months, June 25 and I'm probably not going. There is a 80% I will not go but I still have friends trying to persuade and change my mind. Realistically, its just gonna be end up like my semi formal last year and all I really did was basically sit down and drink coke and take photos. I wouldn't necessarily say there was much fun going on that night. I don't dance so naturally I don't understand these things. Don't get me wrong there was entertainment (watching people completely embarrass themselves on the dance floor and checking out everyone's outfits) but I failed to feel one of those "I'm probably never gonna forget this night, it was such a blast" feeling.  Plus I'm really not looking forward to the process of preparing for prom, gaarash baathann as mother would say. I really don't see the need to spend so much money to impress a bunch of kids I barely talk to or even know.
to the women who came before me
to the mamas that safeguarded us in their wombs for months
to the mamas that walked miles and miles in search of water during drought
to the women that got married too young
too afraid
to the women that got married in old age after a lifetime spent in solitude
to women too afraid to say no
to women who said no anyways
to quiet, unspoken resistance
to revolution when it is loud and in your face and unapologetic
to mucooyo who knocked out four of caamir’s teeth when he raised his hand to hit her
left his mouth bloody and empty so he would think of her everytime he ran his tongue along the inside of his mouth
to the women who warmed beds they didn’t want to sleep in
to the women who loved before me
to the women who loved me
to the women who’ve known loss and heartache
to women that watched their men kill and be killed
to the women who sweat in the sun looking for work
to all the women who work
whose work is unseen and unpaid
to the women who washed clothes under the fiery sun
who hung clothes on clotheslines to dry
watched over it so it wouldn’t be stolen
to the women who held their breasts to young mouths
who pray for milk and honey who have known peace
who have not known peace
who dream of peace
nabad iyo caano
to the countless women who have raised me
sheltered me
prayed for me
fed me
clothed me
taught me
who have crossed oceans to carry me out of war
who have cleaned up the blood of our country
who write poems
who live poems
who build and rebuild
and breathe
and live
and resist
and resist
and resist
who taught me to resist
whose bodies are bridges
whose backs are bridges
who have carried the weight of worlds
and words
spoken
and unspoken
so that i may speak
so that i may live
so that i may dream
and fight
i love you
i honor you
i carry your struggles in my heart
i carry you all in my heart

visit the author of this poem at http://nomadmanifesto.tumblr.com/
Last week at school we had to come up with grad square quotes for the yearbook and I had major difficulties in coming up with a decent one. All of my quotes seemed kind of depressing and probably would not be accepted lol. This is mostly what I came up with:

1.What now?
2. They say high school is the best four years of your life. If this is true, I might just commit suicide.
3. Contrary to common belief, I am not awkward
4. I can sum up my entire high school experience in 4 words, Thank God it's over
5. I loved high school as much as I love a cold glass of milk. I hate milk.
6. Kiss my
7. Deuces
8. Run while you can

I ended up choosing my grad square quote to be
"You don't have to be an archaeologist to know nothing lasts and nobody lives forever" by Ronald Wright


Confused and depressed
I'm torn by the fact I have not yet come to a conclusion as to what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I'm torn by the fact that my grades are disappointing.
I'm torn by the fact I'm that my English mark isn't my highest mark.
I'm torn by the fact that I didn't take chemistry this year (not really but still)
I'm torn by the fact my senior year is as stressful as it is and that next year will only be more stressful.
I'm torn by the fact I still haven't finished my homework yet.
I'm torn by the fact I have school in the morning.
So my friend cindy, in an attempt to get me to write a new post has tagged me in this questionnaire thingy. Go check her out and enjoy!

Why did you start blogging?
To be quite honest, I was bored one August night and had a little inspiration. I wanted to keep track of my senior year in high school and look back 3-4 years from now and probably say 'wow  i was one pathetic 17 year old but i had fun'.  I've had numerous blogs prior to this one but for reasons i'm not really sure i was unable to commit to them. Hopefully that doesn't occur with this blog.

What is behind your blog name?
Two summers ago i got really into Greek mythology. I would spent countless hours reading books and doing research online for the heck of it. I stumbled across Vulcan which is an ancient Greek God of fire which at 15, I thought was pretty rad. I also happen to always drive by a street on my way to my local Mosque called Vulcan St. The story behind my blog title has more of a deeper meaning to me. Ameliorer is a french verb for 'to improve' which is really inspirating to me. I wish to consistently improve myself as a person, as a daughter, a student, a friend. Everything really. A motto I try to live by and practice

Who is your style icon?
Kind of hard to say considering I have absolutely no sense of style and don't care for fashion at all really. I was never really big on trends and keeping up with them. I just wear what looks clean and comfortable. Dark colours and vans is an everyday theme.

What are the best words of advice you've been given?
They have yet to make their appearance.

Where do you what to live when you're older?
I was asked this just last week. A battle between Dubai or Saudi Arabia or maybe somewhere in Europe

What's your favourite book?
I've read countless book, this is one question I absolutely hate being asked. I've fallen in love with so many books, that it actually physically pains me to think of only one book as my all time favourite. So to spare myself, i'll list 5 books in which i would have died had i not read them.
1. A Scientific Romamce by Ronald Wright
2. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes
3. My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares
4. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
5. A Good Death by Gil Coutemanche

Coffee or Tea?
 Die hard coffee lover.

What is your favorite food?
Most probably some sort of fruit. Or maybe all fruits...

Which person do you admire the most?
I've never really looked up to anyone in my life. There were times were i would be jealous of someone due to a personality trait i lacked or feature i didn't have which is totally normal but nonetheless annoying. But i dont believe ive actually admired someone, inspiring role model wise.

What does your perfect Saturday night look like?
Up till 3 either reading or watching netflix brainlessly
It's officially 2013 which sounds kind of awkward and odd whereas 2012 just rolled off the tongue with ease and sounded certain. Lets look back at 2012 for a second, it was a rocky year. Through all of 2011 and most of 2012, I was awkward and shy and really negative. If you asked me why, for the life in me I couldn't give you a concrete answer. Not even an answer at all. A few days ago a childhood friend was staying over for a few days. We've been friends since I was in the 5th grade and her in the 7th. She had asked me, jokingly might I add, when I had become so negative. In regards to my pessimistic outlook towards life and my abilities. I responded with a simple I don't know. And I don't. But bare with me, I see a brighter future and a happier me. I'm learning to be more positive and more confident in a sense. I truly believe this was only a high school phase, I pray to Allah (swt) that it is.  That type of outlook will get you no where. Positivity will be my new favourite shade of black.