"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear: and whatever is done by only me is your doing my darling) I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

-Poem by E.E Cummings
I'm taking writer's craft this year which I'm really enjoying. Its a small class of maybe 20 kids in total, kind of reminds me of the Canadian Literature class I took last year.  What's particularly really cool about that class  aside from the kids is our teacher who just so happens to be a published author of two novels. He's this hispter type mad scientist looking lad with a peculiar sense of humor. I'm really digging his style and he has a way of teaching the class and getting of topic most of the time yet always having the class eating out of his hands. He has assigned us to write a short story of own of about 1200-1500 words that will be sent to publishers to see if we can get them published. Only the good ones though. I'm really excited for this but at the same time super nervous. I want to do well but have very little faith in my writing skills.  I have very little faith in just about everything I do, it kills me. But what I've notice though is that with age comes confidence and I believe is totally true in my case. Grade 10 was a complete mess for me. I've grown so much form the shy awkward girl I was back then. Not to say I'm no longer awkward and shy but much less now which I'm awfully pleased about. I hate being awkward and shy but slowly I'm breaking my cocoon and becoming the sociable butterfly I picture myself to be.
'But time.. how it first grounds us and then confounds us. We thought we were being mature when we were only being safe. We imagined we were being responsible but were only being cowardly. What we call realism turned out to be a way of avoiding things rather than facing them. Time... give us enough time and our best-supported decisions will seem wobbly, our certainties whimsical."

-The Sense of An Ending, by Julian Barnes

And so with that, I'd like to say which is very evident itself is how time cheats. It's the longest thing we know but yet it somehow goes by so quick. What may take years can go by in a blink of an eye. A lifetime is often times reduced to nothing but a blur. A 2 second film. And there's the thing with memory, if it can go by so quick you hardly even remember it or you forget, whose to say it actually happened? . In conclusion, memory and time are a confusing pair.

On another note, my birthday was last week 09/09.  It felt like any other sunday, it didnt even feel like a birthday to be quite honest. But then again how are birthdays suppose to feel like? I got my helix pierced that day which I'm pretty pleased about.
I may or may not have had one of my very first out of body experience today or something equivalent to it when you're a teen and completely starstrucked. Or i may just be over analyzing it which is a common a occurrence with me. But in moving forward, we must rewind back to last week Tuesday, August 21 which happened to be my first attempted in finding the The Mortal Instrument Movie Set for City of Bones and day 2 of filming. City of Bones is the first book of a 6 book series written by Cassandra Clare. I'm not gonna get too deep in explaining the book but i highly suggest everyone read the book before the movie comes out next summer! It's gonna be epic, quote me on that!

Day 2 of filming also known as Day 1 of the hunt for me was a complete and utter fail. The hunt was tracking down one of the main characters Robert Sheehan from the British TV show Misfits and Lily Collins known best known from The Blindside and Mirror Mirror. I couldn't find the location of the set and so walked around all of downtown Toronto miserable and and at the verge of tears because disappointment cuts deep, it truly does. I had high hopes in finding them that day but the weather was deceiving. Sunshine means nothing. And so i mopped around the house devastated and depressed the rest of the day and miraculously went through the rest of the work week without pulling my eyes out and draining them empty. But that week wasn't all too brutal, i kept repeating this one quote from this movie which kept me more and more optimistic.


But Day 6 of filming aka Day 2 of the hunt i struck gold. The weather had its only story to tell, it was raining hardcore the first half of the day (around noon) and yet again i happened to find my self wondering blindlessly through Toronto with no sense of direction because realistically that's exactly what occurred from 11-3:30.  But around almost 4, one single maple leaf flag lead us the way and we finally found the set. Which now leads me to the out of body experience i took part in today. Robert Sheehan and Kevin Zegers who guest appears in Gossip Girl, both signed my copy of City of Bones. Which then lead to Robert Sheehan giving me the best hug in my life and calling me love like 5 times, each better than the last . Those 5 or 6 seconds will probably last through a lifetime of bullshit with me.

Anonymous: Hi. I was wondering if you had to ask Robert for a hug or if he just have you one? Like, was it awkward? ._.

Lena: Haha it's actually kind of a long story. When we first met him, my friend was freaking out and on the verge of tears so i said "you should give her a hug cause i want to see her cry" and he was like "oh I definitely will!", but he was whisked away before he could hug anyone. When he walked by, my friend started to freak out again and he was like "come here and give me some love!" haha. He walked down the line of people and gave us all a hug (:

If you guessed that I was this friend, you guessed correct! Also, just to get this out of the way I cried when Rob turned the  corner. Not out of sadness because that beautiful creature was leaving me but because of  excitement. All in all today was pretty darn awesome and my love for Rob grew a million times more.
"Why is the echo richer than the source and time always remembered grief? People come and go and we hardly notice how they feel, what we feel. Then one day when you least expect remembrance slips like a blade into the heart: you fall down into a cold and sunken place with only your regrets for company, there gutted by sorrow and remorse and left to die"

- A Scientific Romance, by Ronald Wright

I read A Scientific Romance a few months back and there isn't a day i don't think about this quote or relate to it. The other day i was on facebook cleaning up my timeline and i came across an old conversation with an old friend. This conversation from 2009 didn't go so great, it was actually pretty hurtful looking back at it. I was so naive and clueless in seeing just how cruel and mean people can be, even your close friends. This friend legit treated me like shit, looking back now at the things she did to me and in which i allowed to happen makes me sick. Lets rewind to when i was in the 4th grade and was starting a new school where i first met this friend. Even our friendship of 5 years started terrible, for those first few months should have been a warning for me. As the new kid at school, she got some her friends and bullied me for quite some weeks. But for some reason i ignored these signs and those cruel jokes and somehow become really close friends. We spent countless hours with each just hanging out talking about what stupid little girls talk about. She lived right next door to me, you would always find us together. Our friendship definitely had its ups but there are one too many memories in which sting and stick out when she would walk all over me and i allowed it, thought it was normal. I had- have a hard time saying no to people and just accepting what they say just to avoid conflict. I'm an extremely passive person which is a great downfall for me.

There is one particular conversation we had the summer right before we started high school that i will never forget, that changed our whole friendship and essentially broke it. We were having a conversation via msn and it somehow ending up her telling me she was way too cool for me and that since we're starting high school soon we should just stop being friends. That we are from completely different worlds and see things differently. This coming from the best friend of 5 years who knew everything i allowed to share and vice versa? completely different worlds? I was beyond shocked, i actually thought it was a sick joke at one point and brushed it off but the moment i realized she was serious is when i saw the friendship crumble. Along with my feelings, i broke down and cried. But here's the funny part a few days later she apologized and informed she didn't mean any of the things she said. I told her i knew she didn't and that i didn't take it seriously but little did she know. We may have talked and all but nothing was resolved. Officially our friendship was over the moment she said she was too cool for me.

And here we are four years later, starting the end of our high school careers at different schools in different neighborhoods. We don'e see each others nor hang out. There were a few times over the course of the past  4 years in which i realized i actually missed her as a person. She was funny as hell and kind and stylish and everything you would look for a friend but fell short. Don't get me wrong, i didn't write this post to portray this friend as a bad person or even a shitty friend ok maybe a shitty friend. I wrote this post to vent out old and untold emotions. I hope she never reads this, i don't want her to know i cried when she put no effort into the friendship i treasured and adored for so long because i was naive.
It's 1:30 AM and sadly enough Ramadan has officially ended. It is now Eid-Al-Fitr. Like I say every Ramadan, it has gone by fast, in the blink of an eye. It has truly been a blessing. And so to concluded this relatively short post seeing as though its fairly late and I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow, I'd like to say 3 things in which I feel are essential in a Muslim:

1. To Seek Guidance
2. To Seek Knowledge
3. To Seek Forgiveness

Eid Mubarak brothers and sisters! Stay safe.