I'm the type of person who will feel absolutely guilty and sad for simply being mad at a loved one who has either wronged me or another loved one. Oh, how do these emotions work?  I'm allowed to be angry and upset right but why is it always followed by sorrow? and regret? and nothing but emptiness.

Is it disappointment maybe? That those who I hold dear to me are wronging themselves and hurting me in the process. That their pain translates into my pain. That their misguidance is my pain. That their lack of empathy or concern for others affects me. That their actions and words both upset me and sadden me. Destroy me.

And I don't think it has anything to do with expectations. Expectations are over rated and I rarely ever expect anything from anyone but respect.

But yeah I'm really annoyed at this shitty personality trait of mine. I don't think its normal. And it burdens me a lot. Imagine getting into a fight with someone or have someone say shitty things and then later having conflicting thoughts with yourself because of what you said in defense (not to say you said equally as shitty things but the mere fact you know their upset now too).

One of those your sadness floats side by side with mine,
your pain is my pain
kinda things 
I feel like im always reminded somehow of the fact of I have no living grandparents. I mean it sucks yeah but then again I never really knew any of them. I had only met one of them.

I feel bad for my parents, my dad mostly. His parents passed away when he was really young. At age nine he lost his mom and at age fourteen he lost his dad. He was raised from then on by close family members but he hated it. He says he wasn't treated as fairly as he should have by them. That he was cheated by them many times. My dad picked up his smoking habit around the same time his dad died. He would always tell us that had his parents been alive back then he would never had picked up the bad habit.

idk where im going with this post but yeah i wish my grandparents were alive. Not necessarily for my sake but for my parents sake. My mom really misses her mom.  My grandma on my mother's side passed away 2 years ago in May. At the time I was volunteering at a italian nursing home when my mother called me to inform me ayeeyo wey deemantay.

It was a very bizarre and strange thing. To be surround by so many elderly people and having fun only to find out your last living grandparent had passed. I never really thought about death while there which is weird in a way because there were a lot of sick residents and a lot of them complained about pain which made me sad most of the time. I mean you could sense unpleasant aura lingering in the air but I really hadn't payed much attention to it. I was preoccupied with trying to communicate and comforting (playing really) the residents. Anyways, whenever I think about the nursing home, the second thing that comes to my mind after all the fun and rewarding moments I had experienced there, is that phone call with my mom and the death of my grandma. 

It's weird to think that the last post I wrote was back in November of last year. Being a blogger is difficult. I mean I never know what to write about and possess zero motivation whatsoever to find time or look for inspiration to write. I'm not even a writer to begin with.
I'd really like to know where this notion that in order to have fun at any social gathering, alcohol must be present. No alcohol, no fun?

There is absolutely no correlation between the two. It really ticks me off people actually think like this. Where is there fun in a beverage that alters your state of mind that more often times than not results in you saying/doing terrible things you'll probably regret the next day, makes you smell like shit, contorts your better judgment etc. And not to mention you end of feeling like crap the following morning.This generation is so messed up its ridiculous honestly, who came up with this?

I got super annoyed at one of my friends the other day and considering I'm a Muslim and her an atheist I am not surprised. The topic of discussion was alcohol. A bunch of friends and I were going to a get-together Friday night after our high school commencement as a reunion sort of since most of us haven't seen each other since summer.

One particular friend suggested to bring alcohol to which I replied can we please not guys. Everyone complied but this friend in question. She kept on asking questions like oh why do you care if we drink? or I'm confused why not? to which I responded explaining to her how I didn't want to be surrounded by the substance  nor did i want the company I keep to be partaking in such activities in my presences because I would feel highly uncomfortable. She goes on to say but you don't have to drink though.. At that point I was actually pretty ticked off, like what part of no alcohol did she not understand? like the other 6 girls did not mind my suggestion and respected my wish, as friends should. And dont get me wrong I'm not trying to seem like controlling person or anything. Had another person said they wanted a beer also, I would have simply let the girls know I wasnt going to be in attendance that night. Like I don't want to ruin other peoples ideas of fun and plus majority rule would have won against my favour and I would proudly walk away.

I'm honestly just trying to better practice my religion and its guidelines and she just didn't understand.
-

On another note, commencement was boring and we ended up leaving early to go to K's house and ordered Chinese food and just talked and hung out for a while and we enjoyed ourselves in each others company pretty much. I mean it is possible to have a good times without alcohol. Shocker.


I want to start taking hot yoga classes
How can I help? (Company) 

Words seem to escape me as you stand there weeping.
While I awkwardly take up your space,
Breathing your precious air.
Your shaking legs and tear washed face
Serve no justice to the memories I keep of you
Your sadness floats side by side with mine.
Accept my futile attempts
And forgive my ignorance.